Shattered Glass
by The.Hoppy
Summary: Natsuki doesn't want Shizuru to go, and will do anything to stop her. And that's what's killing them both.
1. Chapter 1

A/N-   
Yes, it's short. It's one out of what will probably be three chapters. I wrote this because chapter three of my other story seems to want to be stubborn. Don't kill me for this chapter. It's Shizuru's point of view, but not necessarily a correct one. Also, this is completely un-beta'd, so if you spot anything please tell me. I hate it when things slip by me.  
Disclaimer- I do not, in any shape or form, own Mai HiME. Sunrise does. …Bleh.

Warnings- Um...PG13, I guess. Highly suggestive, but nothing really…   
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Her fingers grasp desperately at the sheets, Shizuru, anything, but they never take hold, not really. Shizuru wants to laugh at the irony, but for fear of sounding bitter, she holds back. Always holding back, but for her, she can. Does Natsuki really think she doesn't know? If Natsuki's hesitant words hadn't tipped her off, her eyes would have. Shaded and mirror-like, and it strikes her that she's learned how to copy her own mask far too well. Every time, it's the same routine. There's an over-eagerness to please, and an almost painful devotion. 

_Natsuki, there's no need to be so kind. Can't you see it only hurts both of us more? Ah, what a double-edged sword that kindness is. Beautiful, but deadly. Just like Natsuki. _

This time, she can't help but let loose a dry laugh. Inquisitive eyes ask a silent question, but Shizuru smiles _just another part of the game_ and returns to the task at hand.

It makes it worse that sometimes she thinks she can see a glimmer of her own feelings returned in those green depths. But no, that's also a reflection of her mask. But she accepts it, pretends she doesn't see through the facade, because it's all she can take and she wants _needs_ it to be real. It doesn't matter that it's a game, as long as they both play well enough. And Shizuru has learned to play very well indeed.

It's easy to notice when Natsuki fumbles, or turns away, or mumbles answers that should have been clear. But she can imagine those discrepancies away, because _her sanity's hanging by a thread_ she wants to, and it gets easier each time.  
It's easy to imagine her feelings are returned, easy to imagine that when Natsuki blushes and turns away it's out of embarrassment and being flustered rather than not being able to look at her, not being able to stand being touched by her.

But that makes it all the more painful when the carefully built illusion shatters. And each time she pieces it back together, it's never as strong as _she needs it to be_ she'd like it to be.  
But it's worth it, almost, right now when her breathing speeds up, and her clutching becomes more frenzied, and even though she could never really be hers it's easy, so easy, to pretend _always pretend_ that she is. And yet even now, even...

_Say my name. _

Faster, harder… 

_Please, Natsuki._

_Why? Why can't you ever…?_

_Please, please, please, Natsuki, Natsuki, Natsuki!_

It was only afterwards, when Natsuki's breathing had slowed enough for her to be asleep, that she realized with a pang that one more night had passed and Natsuki still hadn't said her name.

_Why? Is that how you hold yourself apart from me? How you weave an illusion of your own for your own benefit? _

But that was alright, she told herself, because there would always be the next night. And the one after that, and again after that, and then maybe, one day….

_Natsuki…_


	2. The Other Side of the Mirror

A/N— It's short again. I was never planning to make this long. Just something to make writing my other one easier. This one's from Natsuki's POV. Ish. I'm sorry if the italics are confusing. Thanks to Jimmy the Gothic Egg for beta'ing. And for being awesome. Go read her stuff. Now.

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Everything was fine after the Carnival. That's what Natsuki told herself, so many times that she almost believed it. It was easy to miss small things, like Shizuru not eating as much _she said she wasn't hungry, it's not my fault_, or her pause when she saw Natsuki scoffing down French fries with ketchup _she just thought it was unhealthy, it's not like there's anything wrong_, and it got easier and easier as the days went by. So easy that she was even more surprised when Mai told her.

_'You mean you didn't know?'_

_'Didn't know what?'_

_Fujino-san got an offer from a college overseas. She said she'd consider it, so everyone assumes she's not coming back here.'_

She remembered Mai shouting at her to wait as she dropped her chopsticks and sprinted through the halls to the student council room. She remembered knocking down some guy who'd stopped to tell her not to run in the halls. _It's a lie, it has to be a lie, she'd tell me. She'd always tell me, right?_

She stopped in front of the door and threw it open to reveal Shizuru sitting at her desk eating.

_'Ara, did Natsuki want to eat lunch with me?'_

She was just sitting there looking _so damned composed_ so calm and Natsuki was almost able to pretend _because it's easy to do that, isn't it?_ that she hadn't heard what Mai had said. Almost.

_'You never told me you were leaving.' _

It was a simple sentence, but it meant so much more. If Shizuru noticed though, she didn't show any signs of it.

_'Is that so? I thought I had.'_

_'That's a lie and you know it!' _

_'Is it? I hadn't noticed.'_

She was lying to her face and yet…how could she be so infuriatingly…

It had ended with Natsuki wanting so say more but being unwilling to make things seem abnormal. Because really, things were perfectly fine. So she'd left with a nod and a promise to write. And everything was fine, wasn't it? They could keep in contact, and Natsuki wouldn't have to see Shizuru pause, or her eyes refusing to let Natsuki in, or the look she got when she thought Natsuki wasn't looking, or…

No. Because there was nothing wrong, and everything _has to be_ was normal, because that's how it always was. Just…fine… Which was why, despite everything, she showed up on Shizuru's doorstep that evening.

The look in Shizuru's eyes when she opened the door was one she was expecting, but it was still odd. Odd to see her look so surprised, when she was always so serene.

_'Natsuki?'_

_'Shizuru, I…'_

She'd been let in, and after they'd say down Natsuki had been searching frantically for something to say while being _stared through_ stared at, but really, she didn't know what she was here for. It's just, Shizuru couldn't leave. She couldn't, because _I couldn't bear it_ she'd miss her, and _I don't know what to do without her_ it wouldn't be the same with her gone. She had to find some way to get her to reconsider. But how…

She chanced looking up, and the first thing she saw were Shizuru's eyes. They were red, that odd shade, like autumn _like blood_ and it was easy to get lost _to drown_ in them. But that's okay, Natsuki told herself, and she took the plunge.

It was hard to tell who was more surprised when Natsuki leaned forward and kissed the older girl. At first Shizuru had stiffened, and Natsuki wondered whether she'd made a mistake, but soon she'd leaned back into it and it was _soft_ actually kind of nice, and she _didn't want to stop_ decided to pull away. She wanted to say more, wanted to tell her that she wanted her to stay, but the look in Shizuru's eyes stopped her. It was asking a question, and she answered. She had to. After all, she'd leave if she didn't, and she couldn't leave because that wouldn't be normal. As long as everything was normal, she'd be able to get by. So she didn't complain when Shizuru pulled her down, or when the kisses became more fiery, or when they somehow made their way over to the bed without her noticing. _As long as she stays…_

Which is why she came back the next night, and the next, and every time she told herself is was because she didn't want her to leave. And her illusion of normalcy wavered, but she managed to keep it, because everything _was_ normal, so there was nothing to worry about. And whenever Shizuru asked her that question, she'd turn away and mumble 'yes'. At first she felt guilty, but that soon turned into worry. Worry because it was becoming easier and easier to say, and that wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to really be in love with her, because _it wasn't normal_ they were supposed to be friends. So she told herself she wasn't, and tried not to mind that it rang false.

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Like it? Yes? No? Reviews make my night.


	3. Picking Up the Pieces

A/N- It's finally done! -flops over- I started this to make my other story easier to write, and then it decided to be difficult too. But it's done now. I stayed up all night again. Pffft, sleep. Who needs sleep? Apparently I do, since once I finish uploading this I'll be dead to the world. Yes, I realize I switched tenses/POVs. No, I really don't care. The last part had to be told in Natsuki's POV, so it was. Do please review. Reviews are like cupcakes. And no Jimmy, not the flesh-eating kind.

Mini note-thingies-

Sayosi- I do so love your reviews. I'll fix those mistakes you pointed out, promise. Eventually. Before Christmas. I think.

Jimmy- Keep up the tradition, will you? It makes life interesting.

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It was funny, really, how things happened. One day you were a perfectly normal girl, the next you had no family to speak of and a mechanical wolf that had almost replaced what you lost. And because you had no one, it was even easier to tell yourself that that you needed no one, that you were happy that way. So easy that, like all the other _lies_ things you told yourself, you believed it. So it came as a shock when that one girl managed to force her way into your life and set up residence there, despite your original wishes.

At first you hated her for ignoring your obvious discontent, then you got used to her, up to the point when you got annoyed when she forgot to greet you one morning as she always did. It didn't help when it turned out she'd only done that to gauge your reaction. You'd tried to ignore her even more after that, but you were the one who lost the battle first.

So in that way, you made a friend. A friend. Funny, how that was such a foreign word to you. And because of that, you had no idea how friends were supposed to act. That's why her jokes and odd glances didn't disturb you as much as they should have, why you put up with her hugging and playfully suggestive tones.

It wasn't your fault though, there was no way you could have known. Surruptious glances and playfulness aside, it would have been impossible for anyone to know. At least that's what you told yourself after the Carnival ended. Because you were just a _blind_ normal girl, and you finally had some normal friends.

And so now everything could go back to the way it had been. No more monsters, no more fighting, no more being afraid because your best friend had been turned into _one of those monsters, a killer _something else. Everyone tried so hard to make it work that it almost did.

She would pretend not to see Yukino flinch whenever Shizuru's name was mentioned, or the unconscious but still suspicious glances some of them still gave Reito. But instead of getting easier as everything else did, it got harder. Especially when she saw Mai. She was the only one who had come away from the Carnival with more than when she'd started. It was hard not to feel at least slightly resentful, or to not notice when she gave her looks that say she understands exactly why she acted the way she did. Because no one can _except her, _and they shouldn't try to.

But Mai was her friend, and so she'd be properly happy for her. Her friend. She finally had more than one. And that meant a lot, it really did, even if she rarely showed it. What was a friend, exactly? Someone you liked, someone you could talk to. Someone who was on your side when no one else was. That sounded right.

But then, what was Shizuru? She'd thought they were friends, but friends don't kiss, touch… She'd toyed with the phrase 'friends with benefits', but had thrown it away. You couldn't describe Shizuru like that. Of course she hadn't wanted her to leave. It was only natural to feel sad when one of your friends left._ There's another reason, and you know it_ Other reason? What would there be? _No one would go to the lengths you did. _That's not true! She's a good friend, that's all, and so…and so…

Natsuki slammed her fist against the table. Musings would get her nowhere. They never did. Neither would reflecting, since she would always choose to dwell on what was better left untouched. But this was getting so hard to ignore, especially when that nagging feeling in her head told her that if that really was all there was to it, there wouldn't be anything to ignore at all.

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Shizuru was drinking tea. It was something that gave her an image of serenity, of peace. Anyone who saw her would think 'Why, look at that proper young lady.' In reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. But it was easier to hold the pieces together when she was doing this, because of the routine. You don't have to think when doing routines, and not thinking made everything better. But then when the tea was done, she had to start thinking again. It was impossible to sit there forever, and she knew it. So she always tried to draw it out as long as possible.

She wondered if Natsuki noticed the way she was acting. The distant look she got in her eyes when she thought no one could see. Each glance was like a hammer blow, and she couldn't hold out much longer. At first she'd thought she could get by like that, ignoring everything. But she couldn't, and it was finally beginning to show. Was it really worth it, this pain?

To be by Natsuki's side had been everything she'd wanted, wasn't it? But Natsuki wasn't happy, and she was the reason why. If only she wasn't so kind… Kindness can hurt, if used in ignorance. Natsuki was clipping her own wings, for her, to make her happy. And as a result, it tore her world apart. She couldn't sacrifice Natsuki's happiness for her own, and so… She set down her teacup. It was time to have a talk.

On the way to Natsuki's apartment, she hoped the younger girl wouldn't make it harder for her. She tried not to imagine the look of pain on Natsuki's face, or the look of relief that she was more likely to receive.

_You'll finally be free, Natsuki. I won't hold you back anymore._

She stepped up to her door and knocked. Out of all the things she had been expecting when Natsuki opened the door, it hadn't been this.

_Has she been crying? _

'Shizuru?'

Wide eyes. Startled. It was rare that Natsuki left herself so open, and Shizuru took in all that she could. Sadness, fear, resentment. But the latter two, she sensed with some surprise, weren't directed at her. She wanted to ask, but she was here on other business.

'I'm sorry to call on without warning. I hope you'll forgive me.'

Natsuki's expression hurt. She could read her eyes again, for a moment, before she cast them aside. But even without that, she knew what the other girl was thinking. She'd never been so formal with her, only with those who idolized her.

_I'm sorry, Natsuki. But this is the best way. _

She received a mumbled 'sit down', as Natsuki went off to the kitchen, presumably to bring refreshments, but also as a way to escape for the time being. She sat down on one of the few pieces of furniture as Natsuki brought a tray with two cups of tea. It was one of the few things she'd managed to be able to teach her how to make, with varying degrees of success. Taking a sip, she decided this was one of her better attempts.

She could feel Natsuki's eyes on her, trying to see what she was thinking. She took another drawn out sip before answering the unasked question.

'The college has made another offer, and I feel that it is in my best interests to accept. They rarely let students in this late, and it's a fine opportunity.'

It was easier not having to see Natsuki's face. If she looked long enough, she might break again. And she couldn't afford to, not now. She sat still, waiting for an answer. The silence was so loud it almost made her ears ring.

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Natsuki gripped her cup harder. 'So. You're leaving.' There wasn't much else she could say. Her body felt numb, and her thoughts came slowly.

_She's leaving. She said she'd stay. She broke her promise. _

All the received in return was a nod. This was just like before. She was just sitting there, telling her oh-so-calmly that she was willing to walk out of her life forever. But this wasn't supposed to happen. This was why she'd…

'But you can't go!'

She hadn't meant for it to come out so forcefully. Even so, it was true. She couldn't leave. If she left, she wouldn't be able to…

'Oh? Why not?'

Like a doll. A pretty little doll made of china that was so fragile that if you dropped it it would shatter into one-thousand pieces.

'Because I-'

She paused. Tried again.

'You can't, because I-'

This time, it was Shizuru, not her own mind, which stopped her.

'No, you don't.'

_No, but that's not-Yes, it is true. Isn't that what you told yourself? That you don't love her? So what's wrong?_

'But I, you…'

'If Natsuki has a problem, she should speak.'

_Was she…angry? At her? _

'It's just that I…'

_You what? Why is it so hard? Just like all the other times before, just…_

'Do you really? But I wonder. For Natsuki to love me, it wouldn't be _normal_.'

Her eyes were accusing, but also sad.

_Don't look like that, please. Not because of me. _

'Normal…'

Normal was hanging out with your friends. Normal was going places with your family, dating guys, and getting through school. Normal wasn't being in love with your best friend. But then… She had no family, not really. None of the guys at school, or anywhere really, appealed to her. She skipped school as often as she could. And before, 'hanging out' had meant using their Children to fight monsters. So then, if you looked at it that way, there really wasn't… Was it really so simple?

She put down her cup, looked up at Shizuru. Leaned forward, captured her lips. She registered the gasp of surprise, Shizuru's tea spilling over the carpet, the stiffening that finally turned into resigned acceptance.

_Don't, please don't. This time, it's not like that. _

She pulled back, looked at her again. Her face was flushed, her eyes closed, her hair in a state of mild disarray. It was different from the proper image she showed to everyone else.

'The tea…'

'Forget the damn tea.'

_Only I get to see her this way. I'm the only one she lets see behind her mask._

And knowing this, finally understanding, she smiles. When Shizuru finally opened her eyes, Natsuki was finally able to answer the question in them honestly.

_

* * *

_

_A question. _

'_Natsuki…?'_

_A sleep-laden reply. _

'_What?'_

_An answer. _

'_I won't be accepting that offer.'_

_A low laugh, before an arm pulls her closer. _

'_Good.'_


	4. Bonus chapter

A/N—Heyla. Since some people asked for it, I went ahead and wrote another part. No angst for you this time. There probably won't be anything else, though. Hope you don't think this completely ruins it. Tired… Happy, Sayosi? You win. And yes, I switched POVs halfway through. Oh well. You should be able to tell where.

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Natsuki was sleeping. Not horribly extraordinary, really, but it's the _way _she was sleeping that made Shizuru smile. She wasn't snoring, but every so often she'd mumble incomprehensible phrases and roll over, further tangling the sheets. And for the first time in what felt like forever, she was smiling. 

It was enough to make Shizuru want to lay there forever, but there were more pressing matters. Such as breakfast, tea, and something with as little mayonnaise as she could manage to convince Natsuki to add. It was a shame to wake her up, but…

* * *

_Stupid sunlight, leave me alone. Can't you see I'm trying to sleep? _

Evidentially not, as the warm rays insisted on disturbing her rest. She moaned and rolled over, borrowing deeper into her haven of sheets. She was all set for getting several more hours of sleep when the sun giggled.

_Wait…what? _

As far as she knew, the sun was incapable of giggling. That left her sheets. Weighing the possibilities, she decided it must be the sheets. They were closer anyway. With a groan, she rolled over again.

'_Natsuki.'_

Okay, so now her sheets were giggling _and _talking. Peachy. Annoyed at their persistence, the half-asleep girl growled at them. All was silent for a few moments, then the giggling started up again. Realizing she'd lost the battle, Natsuki rolled over yet again and opened her eyes a crack, only to find her vision was being obscured by chestnut.

_Wait, but the sheets aren't…_

"Ara, Natsuki is finally awake."

_Oh, right._

"'Morning. Did you have to wake me up so early?"

_Is she laughing again?_

"Oi, what's so funny?"

"Natsuki, it's 10:30."

It was becoming very evident that Natsuki was not a morning person. More so when she growled again and tried to get back under the covers. She was stopped by the sitting of her (right now very annoying) companion on said covers.

"Move."

"No."

"Move, now."

This was proving to be a very hassling morning. Was it too much to be able to sleep until past twelve on Saturday?

"Not until Natsuki says it."

_Says? Did I miss something? Maybe I did something to make her mad… But she doesn't look upset, just... _

"Says what?"

Red eyes narrowed in mock disappointment.

"That you love me."

_Huh?_

"But, didn't I…you know I…"

Shizuru shook her head sadly.

"Natsuki did not declare her love for me even once."

The faintest hint of a blush was beginning to show on Natsuki's face.

"But I, you, you know the answer, so why do you need me to say it?"

This was ridiculous, really. And so early, too.

"Ah, but if Natsuki doesn't tell me I'll think she was lying." Her voice took on a playful tone. "Perhaps Natsuki is having an illicit affair with Nao-san?"

_What?_

"Wha-no! Absolutely not!"

Oh yes, she was definitely blushing now. Teasing or not, surely Shizuru should know better than to shock her like that. It wasn't fair, really.

"Then… You do love me, don't you?"

"I, that…"

"Don't you?"

Natsuki was prepared to make some sarcastic remark when she caught something underneath the teasing. Something almost desperate.

_Is she…does she really think…? But can you really blame her? Still, this…_

Flustered, she mumbled an almost inaudible answer. Almost. Still, why take an inch when you can take a mile?

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Could you please repeat it?"

Grumbling, the blue-haired girl complied, albeit grumpily.

"I love you."

Shizuru tilted her head and suppressed a smile.

"I must be hard of hearing this morning. One more time, please?"

For a moment, she wondered if she'd gone too far. After all, Natsuki was still uncomfortable about sharing her feelings. Maybe she shouldn't press…

All things considered, when the younger girl shot her a look that said she knew she was being toyed with, and wasn't happy about it at all, she wasn't expecting her to cave in. In that way, she was pleasantly surprised when the stubborn girl said, much more loudly,

"I. Love. You. Happy?"

A smile spread across her face. "Very." Before Natsuki had time to free herself from her bundle of sheets, Shizuru had grabbed one end of the pile and flung it over both of them, snuggling against her before she could protest.

"Shizuru?"

"I'm tired, Natsuki. Let's sleep a little more, alright?"

Even though she couldn't see Natsuki's face, she could imagine the emotions playing across it. Embarrassment, confusion, realization, frustration, then finally resigned acceptance.

Her last thought before she drifted off again was that the morning had gone very well indeed. And even though it was far later than she usually woke up, she couldn't bear to leave the warmth of their bed. Their bed. How nice, to be able to think that. She allowed herself another smile before snuggling closer to Natsuki. Breakfast could wait.

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Did I butcher the English language, or did you like it? Either way, please tell me. I throw confetti at reviewers. In the most flattering way possible. 


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